I referenced the Infinite Monkey Theorem in a recent post, and now, after watching The Rise of the Planet of the Apes, I see that our primate cousins will be writing Hamlet much sooner than the Theorem originally hypothesized. The first installment of what I presume will be a series of brainiac ape movies, did include a scene in which a drug-enhanced chimp actually does some writing.
The movie Limitless features a hunky blocked writer, Bradley Cooper, who also acquires awesome cognitive abilities through chemical means. Now a curious nation wonders, which of these drug-fortified thespian primates is smarter? Perhaps a Jeopardy showdown is needed to settle the question.
Both of these recent films incorporate miracle drugs that endow the ingester with super brainiac capabilities. In what seems to be a fierce battle for the “Best Intelligence-Enhancing Drug in a Feature Length Drama” Oscar, James Franco gives Caesar ALZ113 and Johnny Whitworth provides Cooper with his uber-drug NZT48. (I hadn’t previously known this, but evidently all movie genius-drug names must include three capital letters, a ‘Z’ and a number.)
In the process of watching these films I learned that chimps have better immune systems for tolerating genius drugs, because in both movies the wimpier humans come down with horrific side-effects that involve bleeding from the face and an agonizing death. One point: Caesar the chimp.
However, Bradley Cooper figures out how to mitigate the harmful effects of NZT48 while other NZT48-using actors croak around him in droves. He also makes millions of dollars overnight and sleeps with a blond movie star. Caesar, in contrast, was broke at the end of Apes, and never scored once in his movie. Two points: Bradley Cooper.
Cooper publishes his novel by the end of the movie, which is of course a tour de force, and he gets the girl. Caesar simply climbs a tree, all alone, as his grand finale. Two more points: Bradley Cooper.
In both movies the drug-taking stars become capable of kicking serious ass in addition to having computational and cognitive super-powers. One point each.
The Rise of the Planet of the Apes is clearly set up to generate a number of box office record-setting sequels with Caesar prominently featured. Limitless has a much less glorious future in store as sequel-less Netflix download. Worldwide sales for “Apes” are already far outstripping Limitless’s limited grosses, so in terms of who was smarter in choosing a movie to star in, we have to go with Caesar: ten points.
And the Oscar for the “Smartest Primate Actor in an Intelligence Enhancing by Drugs Drama” goes to….Caesar the Chimp! Watch your bookstore for his new play – Rise of the Planet of the Hamlet Writing Apes!